Happy Cinco de Miko…olè!

An open love letter to my compadre:

It’s just not easy being married to me.

I feel bad because he probably had no idea what he was leaping into, this poor man.

This guy, my Mike, on a daily basis, deals with frantic phones calls, texts or smoke signals that can include some or all of the following:

“Oh my God, I can’t find my *wallet (*can be replaced with keys, car, iPad, kid, dog.)”

“My tooth fell out.”

“The car is dead and I need to be at work in four minutes.”

“I left my hair straightener on and I’m scared the house is going to burn down.”

“I threw my check in the garbage at the car wash. Last Thursday.”

“At gig. Please bring bra.”

“I’m working the next 17 days straight. Can you bring the kids to appointments, go to games, take them clothes shopping, oh, and we have no food…Mariano’s run, please and I don’t know what we actually need and also, one of the kids, I can’t remember which one, maybe #2, needs school snack tomorrow, homemade, for 40 kids. No peanuts, no gluten, no soy, no sugar, no wheat, no milk and no….something else, but I forgot And, I love you.”

I love you.

I love this guy. Not for the obvious millions of reasons that I have outlined above, even though he could very well be sainted by the Vatican any day now.

I love him for probably about 385 million other reasons.

Also, we never, ever have any fun. Never ever.

But, some highlights:

He is downright loving and kind. He will do anything for anyone. And legitimately be ok with it. He’s not annoyed, put out or angry, even when stressed. And we run very stressed around these parts. No, it’s like this:

Anyone: “Mike; can you do anything in the world for me?”

Mike: “Yes and when.”

That’s about right. In a world where I can’t, because I am late and I have to be in four places 10 minutes ago and I can’t find my pants and I super-glued my shoe to my foot (while still on) and also, I’m dying of some plaque….I’m so sorry, I can’t…

… but he can. I love him.

His parenting skills? Phenomenal.

When I was in labor With the number one, in between my screeches of murder, angst and betrayal, blaming him that he got me pregnant in the first place, I screamed at him to go to the hospital store and grab toothbrushes. My labor progressed faster than we all anticipated and he made it back right in time to see the doctor catch our baby like a football. Touchdown!

While I was gross, shaking and trying to figure out what a placenta was and why I had to push again, I watched him take our baby in his arms and then I saw him cry. (The only other time he cried that hard was during movie “Once”.  Sorry, honey, but true dat.) Love was pouring like rain from his entire body.

And it has not stopped raining for 18 years…the beautiful, light, soft rain that we all love to raise our faces up to, because it feels so good.  That’s my Mike.

Every diaper change, every cry, every ouchie, every touchdown, every first dance, every cough, every sneeze, nighty night book time, tournaments in the rain, college visits, bra shopping (no wait, that was definitely me), gross pet situations, awesome birthday party music, lice…..

He loves us hard and loves us steady, like the strongest rock.

And he’s gorgeous.

And my Lord, but he loves the Cubbies. He didn’t always…he grew up a loyal Sox fan, just like my mom, but as his family would say it’s our fault that we brought him to the dark side. But look, see, this is why he is amazing…he appreciates both. It takes a special person to do that. I love him.  Go Cubbies.

And boy, who doesn’t love DJ Mikey Mike? No one. There is no one that doesn’t love him. Nope. Not a one.

I’ll just leave this right here.

 

Happy birthday, honey.  I’m sorry you have to deal with me, but I’m blessed that your stuck with me.  We adore you, you complete us and we win because we are loved by you.

Gotta go. The Vatican is calling.

love,

The Wife

Wait. I have a blog?

Wow. I….kind of fell off the face of the blog planet, didn’t I????

I have really had a crazy couple of years with this. I have been a lot healthier since I started my Enbrel for my RA and have been able to eat a lot more stuff. But still, it effects my weight and blood pressure a lot.

I LOOK at a piece of frozen pizza and I immediately gain 6 pounds. Not really. But if I take a BITE, I really do and it takes me 2 full days to clean out.

And today, when I had a buffalo chicken wrap at my favorite hang (hot dayum that was good) I even just ate the insides and didn’t dare touch the wrap. But something was in there……something sulfite-y or processed and now I am staring at my puffy face in the rear view mirror at Cracker’s soccer practice and I thought, “that’s it. No more, back on the wagon….HEY WAIT A MINUTE, I have a blog!!!!”

Alright, let’s do this….I am going to go home and break down what I ate. Do some Nancy Drew work all up in that wrap and I’m back on clean, people.

See you tomorrow.

One Arm Wrapping Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely…

I apologize the for low quality of this photo. Perhaps you will forgive me, since I only have ONE WORKING ARM.

I blame Love’s frozen yogurt. You chilly,swirly bastard.

I was with Cracker yesterday, just leaving an appointment and I saw a sign that had this retro international symbol of awesomeness…

"Open to the public!"

I totally slammed on the breaks and did a U-ey…man, I used to love that stuff! Where has it been??? The whole Frozen Yogurt Movement!! It used to be all over the place…wasn’t it? Am I crazy? I mean, I think the last time I had one, I was wearing a Bosom Buddies t-shirt. I kept on telling Cracker it was ice cream, hoping that it wasn’t going to taste like crap.

It was inside of a workout facility for seniors and they were trying to promote the “healthy” vibe in there. When we walked out, some old lady actually asked Cracker if she just finished working out. Cracker giggled adorably and said “no”. And the lady said, in all seriousness, “then you don’t deserve to have that”. I seriously, seriously almost bitch-slapped her. Seriously.

So, you remember, you can twist that all up together…two flavors…remember that???? So I got a french vanilla, just for nostalgia-sake, and some sugar free/fat free pepermint. Holiday party in.my.tummy, ya’ll!

HELLO, SELF, you idiot. I am allergic to anything NOT PURE. There is nothing that is pure in a sugar free/fat free yogurt. Like, what IS IT? And it kinda tasted like peppermint baby vomit. But I ate it in defiance. The whole freaking thing. I could hear Cracker in the back seat, going “ew” a couple of times, but I think she ate it in defiance, too. In defiance of what, I am not certain, but has a tenancy to run a little surly.

It took about 30 minutes before I started to feel “THE TWINGE” in my left shoulder. It can be any joint. My immune system likes to change it up and leave me guessing. “THE TWINGE” is quickly followed by the voice in my head saying “Uh oh. ‘THE TWINGE.’ I will be virtually lame within an hour.” By the time we finished errands and I am rushing home to teach a lesson, I could barely steer. On goes the sling. I really need to bling that thing up.

After dinner, I realize that I have to get my nieces’ gifts in the mail, wrapped, so they can be delivered in time for Christmas. I annually SUCK at all things having anything to do with Christmas deadlines, but “As God is my witness…not this year!” she says, holding up a radish to the skies…

Look, she only has one arm, too.

Now, I had my arm in a sling, not because it’s frozen, but because if I move it a cillimeter of a millimeter of an eigth of an inch, shooting daggers of pain whip up my arm, through my shoulder and stab my brain. So, I just try not to move it.

Thor sweetly offered to help, but he was busy helping Alpha finish the project at the last minute that he had TWO WEEKS TO DO BUT DON’T GET ME STARTED. Cracker was off somewhere having her Barbie’s kiss and hug ’cause that’s her newest thing and Bambi is running around the house like the quadruped Turkish tribe who walks on all fours. We are strange, yo.

So I had to wrap all these presents. Bambi eventually returned to Bipedalism and offered to help. She actually got really excited and put on Christmas music. She said, with kind of a maniacal and over-caffeinated look in her eyes, “This is great, you guys, I feel like an only child!!!” *Sigh* I love her.

And I was thinking while we were doing it, every crease, every fold, every piece of tape thrown on there and the bow, Lord of the RINGS, the bow…all of it was literally made very slowly, painfully and with a helluva lot of love. And in the end, with all three of us together, Thor and I agreed on one thing: a nice wrapping job, done well and with care, is definitely part of the present 😉

And I will NOT be accepting Love’s frozen yogurt gift certs this year, thankyouverymuch.

(And you can only imagine how long it took me to type up this post with only 4 fingers from my right hand. Love, people; that’s love.)

Dear readers, s…

Dear readers, so busy.

Quick update:  Did HcG diet.  Lost 25 exactly 25 in 23 days.  It worked.  Didn’t die.  Totally sulfite-free friendly.  Very crazed, more later.  The End.

 

She Can Lift Her Head Off The Table.

Now that I have then strength to lift my head off the table, it’s time for me to fill you in on my sulfite-free FAD DIET progress.

Official status report: SUPERFREAKINAWESOME.

ok, so I have to admit, the first three days was like walking around carrying 3 bloated elephants wearing fat suits.  BRU-to the-TAL.  But I eventually got the rhythm of everything and I.FEEL.FANTASTIC.

Mostly, probably, because I am clean.  Not sulfites or booze for 8 days.  There is not one sulfite iota in me.  (Lie.  Our body makes natural sulfites.)  But I am not intentionally putting anything in me and I feel like I could fly.  (Apparently, there may be some traces of college-age LCD.)

Down 13 pounds, too.

I did have a major RA flare-up for 5 of those days, but that is because I was late taking my shot, thinking that I might not need it anymore.  Sometimes, I am a ridiculous person.

So, unnamed fad diet working.  I am not really hungry on it, that is the trick with it, I think.  But mostly, I see the others around me not GAINING and I think that is the whole key to this thing. Whatever, still not endorsing.  Still not divulging.  It’s really no big deal because the point is that I am clean and losing weight.  Once I get through this little test of endurance, I will be back to clean living and hope I can naturally and slowly lose the rest of the weight.  This, so far, is a nice springboard.  BOINGGGGGG………

I think one of the reasons that I am doing too well on it is because I am used to being already a bit deprived having a sulfite allergy.  I am used to having to make my food, even when I am really hungry.  It feels good again to know what I am putting in my mouth is good for me.

I have some recipes that I am going to pop up for everyone and some of them are quite delicious.  I just had me some chili that was scrumptious!!  Lots of chicken, lots of fish, ground turkey, some meat…yummy veggies and fruits.

Pros: feeling great, losing weight, not hungry, great feeling of accomplishment

Cons: I miss booze.

Come back later and check out some of the recipes.  I am going to type some up now.   Bon Appétit, sulfite-nots!

FAD DIET 101: Sure, I’ll bite.

Call me SpiderHead.

I have been absent.

I have been…not great.

I have been losing the war on sulfites and the HeatherWorld War on general good health.

I have been poked and prodded a lot lately, as well.

My liver is pissed at me (due to my RA meds), I gained a really large amount of weight in a short amount of time, I am exhausted and hypoglycemic.  My cholesterol jumped and my RA comes creeping in every once in awhile like a sneaky, angry bitch.  I am having thyroid issues and my body has decided to go on strike.

So there.

I am going to do what I NEVER usually do, and that is go on a fad diet.  I am not going to name the fad diet (1)because I am not endorsing anything I don’t believe in yet and (2) I don’t want to hear bitching from other people. (Please take note.)

I know that the best way for me to lose weight is a slow lifestyle change.   It worked for me before.  But I need a kickstart and quick.   (Did you SEE the photos of all 4 of my chins in the Winnetka Current article?)

I am about to enter my busy season:  lots of gigs and performances.  I need to be healthy, have energy and be able fit my fat ass into some serious formal wear.  It’s crunch time, bitches.

The diet is sulfite-free and very extreme, but I can do ANYTHING for a month.  Massive detox.  I will take one for the team and be a guinea pig.  And no one can talk me out of it.  I have gotten the approval of the diet from my endocrinologist and my Gynie, so I feel ok to press on. My dear friend just had much success on it and she  is going to hold my hand, as well as my cousin Apricot, who is doing it with me. Thor is being very supportive; I am bound to be a wildebeest for the next few weeks, so good luck to him.

So, here we go…I start this weekend, my goal is 20 pounds and if my thyroid issues prevent this from happening, which I have been warned they might, then onto the next thing.  Worth a try.

Will try to keep updated tabs…and post any recipes that we sulfite-nots can use.  Lots of fish, lots of chicken, lots of veggies and buttloads of water.  I am hoping to get my liver numbers and my cholesterol numbers down, as well as a good kick start.  Wish me luck, please send positive vibes and here’s hoping I can bring some helpful things to the table!

THE BLONDE CHILI ADVENTURE

*Please see bottom for photo analysis.

or otherwise known as How I Made Crockpot Sulfite-Free Chili Yesterday And It Took Me 12 Hours.  This is not the title of the recipe for a blonde chili, like, made with all yellow ingredients.  This is like, a blonde totally screwed up this recipe.  This easy, three step, a blind hamster could make this recipe, recipe.  Just to clarify.

We are not going to dwell right now on the fact that it took me an extra 4 hours to make this edible.  Let’s just not go there, because I am too menstrual to hover in the abyss.

This is a nice vegetarian, very easy and quick chili recipe…next time I am going to add some ground turkey and I am going to try really, really hard to do a better job.

Vegetarian Chili

Ingredients:

15 ounces kidney beans

15 ounces black beans

5 ounces white beans

1 can ORGANIC diced tomatoes

diced green chili pepper

1 cup organic chicken broth

1 tbsp chili powder

1 tsp cumin

salt and pepper as needed

Daisy sour cream to dollop on top before serving (IF you can manage this…some sulfite-nots cannot, so beware)

1. The night before, soak beans separately, covering with water, overnight.  Make sure to pick out the ugly stepchild beans that don’t belong.  They can eventually make the end result mushy.
2. Add the soaked beans in the crock-pot with the can of tomatoes, chopped-up chili pepper, chicken broth; salt and pepper.
3. Let it sit there on low for about 8 hours, but please check on it.  You may need to add a bit more broth.  We don’t want a repeat of this, do we?

I am ready to talk about what happened now; Advil kicking in.  This chili was good, don’t get me wrong.  Thor not only took it to work the next day, but he had another bowl of it for lunch on Saturday, right in front of me.  I saw him put it in his mouth and he didn’t even spit it in the sink.  This is what actually occured.  When combining ingredients, I thought I was being cutesie and culinarily adorable** when I substituted a can of diced tomatoes.  I decided to just chop up a tomato and chuck it in there.  After checking on it at the 7th hour, it was like the Sahara on a bad day.

Not me. But...me.

Apparently, I needed the juice from the can and didn’t put extra water in the crockpot.  I quicky added a few cups of water and saved the bastard, but I telling you right now that it was a close one.  And this blonde needs a  I need a vacation.

********************************************************************************************************

*This drawing is reedonkulous.

Things that are wrong with this picture:

• That’s supposed to be a pan with bacon and eggs. It looks like a tennis racket with an upside-down grumpy face.
• I cant even eat bacon and eggs.
• It looks like I am wearing 2 breast implants with a see-through skirt.
• Don’t you hate it when you get black on the tip of your yellow highlighter pen?
• I don’t look very upset.
• I wish I was that skinny.

**culinarily adorable[adj]

cu·li·nar·il·y [ kúllə nèrr ill ee ] a·dor·a·ble [ ə dáwrəb’l ]

Sweet, lovable, endearing, huggable in the kitchen when substituting ingredients, thinking that is acceptable when you really just outright suck.

Last week while making pesto, Heather was culinarily adorable when she thought she could substitute 2 cloves of garlic with 4 cups of sugar. 

Sidenote:  In regards to my first caption picture: you can look at the word “analysis” 50 times and it STILL doesn’t seem right.  I mean it has the word anal in it and you don’t ever want to willingly use the word anal, unless you are talking about…anal stuff…especially when you are typing a recipe.

Was that Advil I just took?  Or 3 Vicodin?  Hm.

I didn’t die at The Staples.

This is a follow up post to YESTERDAY’S post. Just wanted to update the two people who were wondering if I survived.

Happy and relaxed, ready to really DO THIS.

I had my 3 lists. I had my 3 children.  I had my agenda:  The Staples, lunch,  The Jewel,  Alpha hair cut.  GO!

It wasn’t that bad.  Total drama queen. I annoy me.

At around the middle of the second list, I did start to get a little sweaty and thirsty.  The kids wanted everything that they could get their nasty grubby little hands on (Bambi, you do NOT need a bedazzled stapler) and they were all talking to me at the same time and I was like, “GAAAAAAA!  StopITSTOPShhhhSHHHSTOPTouchingME!”

Alpha, although sweet and thoughtful enough to push the cart, literally bumped into every single person who passed.  And he kept on whacking the back of my heel and my shoe would flip off.   I HATE THAT.  I finally did get full-on dizzy and thought I was going to pass out from a panic attack in the aisle 12 accordion file section.

If Cracker asked me one more time if she could get a lollipop, I was going to shove her in one of the display desk drawers and leave her there.

I did each kid’s list one at a time and let me tell you, it did take a village.  The Staples people were like gnats buzzing around me to guide me to everything I couldn’t find.  Annoying, but very helpful.  Mr.Coffee Breath is always so friendly behind the copy desk!  I really consider him a pal and I feel like we have gotten really close with all my Girl Monday copying excursions this past year.  I really wish he wouldn’t forget me every time I go in there.  Jerk.

So, really The Staples did totally deliver.  I feel really confident that I didn’t do the Walgreens or Tarjay Boutique thing.  Walgreens totally jacks up the prices and I avoid Target because I belong to THIS FACEBOOK GROUP.  The Staples had everything I needed on the lists, except for Alpha’s science goggles – TOTAL mom fail on those.  There are no scientific dork shops in my town that I can find to get those, so now I have to order online and spend 5 times more on the shipping, in order to get it here by Wednesday.

I suck.

But hey!

We even played a shopping game!

At the register, Alpha, Bambi, Cracker and I had a wager as to how much this would all cost.

Cracker said, “I don’t care, I just want a lollipop.”

Bambi said $24.

Alpha said $60.

None of them are very good at that game.

Guess. There are 86 items in the basket.

Ok, stop it.  That’s enough guessing.

$275.64

Holy Schneikies. NOT BAD!

What I did was, I pretended that I thought it was going to be around $600 and therefore, I was really pleasantly surprised.  I think like that on a daily basis because life, in general, hurts less.  I am a big fan of low expectations.

The receipt was long and it made us giggle because it kept on coming out of the guy’s register.

As you can see, some little monster got her freakin’ mutha trucking lollipop.  And this was obviously BEFORE Alpha’s haircut.

I really need to get back on track here.  Absolutely none of this has anything to do with a sulfite.  My apologies.

Does The Staples Have Padded Walls?

Mommy's Friday Outfit

I just received a phone call from NCOCAMA. That would be the National Confinement of Crazy Azz Mother’s Association, if you are not familiar. They just wanted to per-register me for my padded cell.

Why could they be calling me at the crack?  Because they have just received notice that, in one hour, I am taking all three of my children to pick out all of their school supplies at The Staples.  One cent sales, bitches!  Most sane parents sneak out of the house and go by themselves, but not me.  I am a warrior and a pioneer.  And a glutton and procrastinator and a self-loathing sadist.  Not really the latter.

If you have not heard from me by 4pm CST, please send troops.

Later today, I will be posting about THE BLONDE CHILI ADVENTURE or How I Made Crockpot Sulfite-Free Chili Yesterday And It Took Me 12 Hours.

Blueberry Vinegar

My favorite thing about this pic is Cracker crying over smell.

I don’t normally “out” my kids on here with a picture,  but this could not be avoided.

I got this fun and easy recipe from recipe.com…

Ingredients that you will need:

1 1/2 cups fresh bluberries

2 cups rice vinegar

2 tbsp honey

will need jar or bottle with non-metallic lid**

1. Put the blueberries and vinegar in stainless steel or enamel saucepan. Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
2. simmered, uncovered for about 3 minutes
3. stir in honey
4. remove from heat
5. drain mixture with fine strainer, getting out all solid matter and toss all that crap in the garbage
6. transfer the liquid to a clear bottle or jar.  If the cover has any steel on it, put plastic wrap (i sued a baggie over the top) then put the top on  and let it sit for 24 hours.

You need to store this in a cool, dark place and you can keep it for up to 6 months…make sure to remove any blueberries that may be left in there before you use.

Really nice and different taste for a light salad dressing mixed with a little EVOO…Mangi!  Mangi!

**I did a little research about this and it turns out that the acid in the vinegar will corrode any metal.

Veeerrrryyyy Interesting!!!!

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